Solace

It's AMAZING to me how the Temple can bring me so much peace in my life. How it can speak to me and calm my soul. How it can make everything be alright.


My other solace is basketball. I did not want to play in college but I still love it so much. I think it has been such a part of me my entire life that it takes me home. It's a place where the world makes sense to me. I love a little good competition and working hard for a common goal with my friends and yet having fun at the same time.
BYU intramural upper division CHAMPIONS! :)

overcoming obstacles

I have cried more in these past few weeks than in my entire life. I have never been torn down physically, emotionally, and mentally in my entire life. I can barely keep it together and I cry weekly. I have never been an emotional person, but it has all changed this semester. How do you rise above someone that tears you down all the time, constantly says rude things, and picks on you but you can't do anything about it because they are your professor? It's even harder because they are your MORMON NURSING professor-- 2 things that are supposed to make people be loving and caring and kind.
I can admit it, I'm major struggling. I try to deal with it and not let it affect me emotionally but it's so hard.
How do I love someone like that? How do I rise above it and not let it affect my self esteem and my emotional state? How do I still be the person that I want to be instead of the person I'm becoming? Because I'm failing miserably right now...

Scrooge NO MORE!!!

I am ashamed to admit it, but I have recently developed a hate for the "gift giving" part of Christmas. Now, let me defend myself. I love giving gifts generally but the problem is the timing of the whole thing. I usually come home from BYU a few days before Christmas and need to get all my gifts. I have just studied my brains out for a week during finals and need a break. I'm also so excited to see my family that I just want to spend time with them. Moral of the story -- the last thing I want to do is go Christmas shopping!
This year I decided to start doing my Christmas shopping early so I won't be such a scrooge when I get home. Because I am not so rushed, I have really put thought into my gifts and am almost done shopping!! And because I love my gifts that I am giving and think that the recipients will be so happy, I can't handle waiting until Christmas. The excitement and anxiousness is literally killing me! I can't wait to see the look on their faces. I'm so full of the Christmas Spirit and enthusiasm that I am even getting really creative, cool gifts for my grandparents. Christmas can't come soon enough. It is going to be awesome. Look back in 2 months to see how the gifts went over. :)

As a side note, Christmas is no time to slack off from working out... for Kevin. I do my part to work out through him. I am his personal trainer and take a very hands on approach. He can officially squat me, just in case you were wondering.

Does she know?

I'm in the all life-sucking and consuming nursing program at BYU and am currently doing my clinicals at the Huntsman Cancer center in Salt Lake. As a side note, I highly recommend this facility for anyone who is dealing with cancer. It is amazing and literally like a 4-star hotel. This last Thursday during my clinical, I was taking care of a post-op pancreatic cancer patient. Pacnreatic cancer is one of the worst in terms of survival rate because the cancer spreads like fire. People generally live 3-6 months and can pass on in as soon as one month after diagnosis.
This lady I was caring for was so happy, sweet, well put together and relatively young. Her little granddaughter came to visit her and quietly came over to me and informed me that she wanted to be her grandmother's nurse cuz she loved her so much. I smiled and put my stethoscope around her neck and told her she was going to need this and I knew she would be the very best nurse ever. This woman was doing everything that we urge patients to do post-op and was excelling in them. One of these things is walking and she was going so fast that I was joking with her about how she should try out for the olympics and that she was showing all the other residents up. And all of a sudden it hit me like a punch to the gut...
This lady had very serious cancer and was going to die soon; not if, but when. It was very hard for me to grasp because my mind told me differently. She looked like she was getting better, she had a family that loved her, she was young, she was doing awesome, and people have surgery to get better. Here I was joking and bonding with her and in a few short months she would pass away. And she did not physically look like she was dying, so she would have had to research pancreatic cancer to really understand that her time was short. Because the fact that she was going to die hit me with such an epiphany and because she looked healthy, all I could wonder was "does she know?" I felt like I was going to collapse and had to sit down to catch my breathe. It was a very thought-provoking few minutes for me.
It made me think of my life and wonder if I live it to the fullest. It made me think of the Savior and his love for his people and how lucky we are to have the gospel in our lives and know this is not the end. It made me want to give this woman the very best care I could and take her in my arms and hold her and cry with her. I realized I could never be an oncology nurse

RUCKUSES for life!

BYU is ridiculously freezing (well to Californian's like me :)) most of the year. Actually I take it back, we had a great fall, but spring was almost nonexistent which is kind of a bummer. My roommate, Jenae, purchased a scooter (moped) this year and was kind enough to let us ride it. We don't ride it during the winter cuz that is colder than words can explain(and if you dont believe me, ask Kelsey. Mention something about scooters and skirts and freezing and it'll sure spark her memory), but we did ride it in the spring.
My friend, Jana B, also has a scooter and I would ride on the back of hers or by myself. I started giving Jen and Valerie Nishiguchi rides and they loved it. Let me rephrase that, for Jen, riding the scooter was better than Christmas morning as a 5 year old. And for Valerie, it took a little coaxing, but then she loved it too.
One night during finals, I was totally burnt out. I decided to call Jana and see if she wanted to go for a scooter ride. She excitedly said that she was already riding her scooter and that her friend, Travis, was riding his too. I grabbed Jenae's scooter and we were about to go for a ride as a scooter gang. I remembered how bad Val and Jen were dying to go, so we gave them a call and they jumped on the back of Jana and my Scoot scoots (that's their names). Jen rides with me and Val with Jana. It works out perfectly because Jana is a Utah driver and I'm a California driver. Therefore, Jana is more cautious while I'm a little bit more aggressive. (Don't worry grandma, I'm still totally safe, and the scooters don't go more than 100 mph.) Were great matches for Val and Jen.
Jana had always wanted to have a scooter gang, so we decided now was the perfect time and the Ruckuses were born. We were quite the bunch. Jen and I on Jenae's totally decked out, motorcycle-looking scooter, Val and Jana on her smaller, sweet looking scooter that only has one mirror, and Travis on his pretty much old school 70's bike with a motor, whose breaks squeek like no tomorrow. Going up hills was prtty funny because Travis' scoot could barely make it. We were cheering him on and helping him think light thoughts so as not to weigh the scooter down. We had an initiation by riding up to stone hedge (a gorgeous place, right above the temple that looks over all of Provo). We all told our deepest, darkest secrets and poured our souls out. Okay, not really but it was fun and good bonding time. We stayed up there for quite a while and then rode home and drove into the Miller parking lot honking, screaming, and flashing our lights. A ton of people came out to see what was going on and join in the excitement. We are now officially legends and will live on in scooter history...
P.S. Jen became so obsessed with scooters that we seriously must of ridden them like 5 times in 3 days. And I thought I was obsessive. :)

My poor children

On Thursday morning, Rachelle Hanshaw went into labor. We had prearranged that I would go over and help get her kids off to school when those lovely contractions consumed her body and it was time to have the lil one. At 7:00 AM, I went over to the Hanshaw house and filled that void. We read the friend, said prayers, made lunches, and the kids did their jobs.
Surprisingly, we still had like a half an hour before they had to go to school. I decided that we should make pancakes. I consulted the children and we came to the conclusion that in honor of their new little brother, we would make chocolate chip pancakes. I am a big believer in bribery, espescially with sugar. Probably not as much with my own kids, but no big deal with someone else's kids. I don't have to worry as much about somone else's kids long term salvation, like I will with my own.
I didn't want to make a mess at Rachelle's, so I ran home and grabbed all the ingredients. I put all the liquid stuff in a bowl and then put the baking powder, sugar, and salt in a baggy and decided to just use some of Rachelle's flour. Michael was kind enough to get the grill/skillet out and start warming it up while I was gone. I grabbed some flour and added all the ingredients together. I was so excited because this was something fun that I could do with the kids that they would enjoy.
I pour out the first pancakes and Michael adds chocolate chips to them. We anxiously watch with excitement and anticipation. The pancakes aren't really looking how they look when I cook them at home. They are kinda flat and not bubbling. I decided it was because I was cooking on a skillet and I normally just use a pan at home. SLowly they started to look more weird, but I couldn't come to any coclusion besides the skillet.
I fed the kids the pancakes and they seemed totally content. I asked all 3 kids if the pancakes tasted funny, and they replied no. But lets think about this logically... Are 3 kids who are eating something that is covered in chocolate chips, butter, and loads of maple syrup, going to say that it tastes funny? I think not. I took one bite of Michael's pancake and decided to pass on my precious pancakes. I mean, they didn't taste bad, they just didn't taste good and they didn't have that pancake texture that we all love.
I sent the kids off to school and began cleaning up. We had made somewhat of a mess with the pancakes and Michael had opened a bag of crackers that exploded everywhere while helping make the kids lunches. So I started sweeeping and wiping off the counters and then I saw this little bag with white powder in it. My immediate thoughts were Tim and Rachelle were doing cocaine. But then I thought about it more logically and remembered that Rachelle was pregnant so it must just be Tim doing it. Then I really looked at the bag and just started laughing. It was the bag that had the baking powwder, salt, and sugar in it and I had forgotten to add it.
Making pancakes is honestly like a 3 step process and I hadn't been able to comlete step 2 because I'm kinda out there when it comes to common sense and just the rush of the morning. I'm always running late and consequently I'm always rushed. When I have kids and then am REALLY rushed, I'm curious as to what I'll forget. Maybe school lunches, basketball practice, or just straight up leaving one at a gas station. We'll just have to wait and see what happens to my poor children...

Reflections of BYU- sophomore style!

It amazes me that another year at BYU has come and gone. I'm going to be a junior in college and it feels like I just started my senior year of high school. It kind of makes me reflect on my life. Am I where I want to be in my life? Have I done my best in everything? Do I have any regrets so far? [haha, I just realized I sound like I'm like 80 and lecturing (I mean bestowing my wisdom :P) to my grandchildren like Grandma Barker. (I love you grandma)] But seriously, I don't think you're ever too young to evaluate your life and learn from your mistakes. I am happy where I am, but I definitely can make some improvements.
Sophomore year was a good one. I learned so much (and had such an awesome time) freshmen year, as can be expected your first year away from home. I honestly didn't expect to learn so much sophomore year, being the know-it-all that I am [but trying not to be, I'll get there some day... I hope :)]. This year was different for me because I didnt hang out with my usual type of friends. Everyone has a guy type, but if you really think about it, you have a girl type too. There is a certain type of people that you are naturally drawn too, girl or guy. My "type" is super fun and over the top spontaneous, really happy and outgoing and LOVES PEOPLE, (sporty would be nice), driven in school, and really just good as a person and spiritaully (does this sound like a newspaper add to anyone else?, if you're interested call.....). I feel like I thrive with these type of people. They make me happy and strive to be better in every aspect of my life. But this year my eyes were opened to new types of people.
I had some apartment struggles, so I started just hanging out 24-7 next door. In fact, when they came to extend me my calling, they came to that apartment, thinking that I lived there. Things like that happened many times and people were always shocked to learn that I didn't live there. (For reference, my apartment is #24, and next door is #23). Anyway, none of the girls in apartment #23 fit my normal "type". Don't get me wrong, they are AWESOME GIRLS, just not my status quo. They are very musical, need alone time, aren't spontaneous, and aren't over the top happy and outgoing, and overall don't play sports. Not gonna lie, these are usually the type of people that I MIGHT say hi to at church. But I really just didn't want to be at my apartment (a lot of this was my fault, because I avoided the issues instead of facing them head on), so, out of default, I spent a ton of time next door. For the first time in my life, I was forced to give these type of people a chance. There was one girl in 23 kinda like my type, miss Emily Mayda Low, and I latched onto her (as I have been known to do. I'm sorry I just love people! Once again, Im workin on it...), and we became really good friends. At first some of the the other girls boggled my mind. I honeslty jut couldn't understand how not having a ton of fun with tons of people could make anyone happy. Slowly, I started to get to know the other girls in the apartment. To make a long story short, I loved what I found when I finally gave them a chance. Now I'm ridiculously good friends with Valerie Nishiguchi, [a vocal performance major, who doesn't play sports, wants to be a princess, and likes to sew and paint in her free time (and now hang with me!), and Kelsey Howell ( in concert choir, loves alone time, not sporty, and really moody in the mornings HAHA!!, love ya kels). I just told you the things about them that are different from me, but they are such great girls and I love thier goodness. In fact, I'm even living with Kelsey next year and Im so stoked. (Trisha, don't feel left out! I love you too, you just don't fit in that category. You're my favorite snuggle. And you know how much I love you Julie, and your nontouchiness)
I definitely think that this has been the biggest lesson that I have learned this year. I thought it was weird because I felt so strongly that I should live in #24 instead of with my freshmen friends that I loved. I started REALLY struggling with my apartment and couldn't figure out why I had felt that I should live there. But now I totally know. My freshemn friends are pretty much my normal type and if I hadn't lived there, I never would have met the girls next door and given that type of people a chance. I would have missed out on so many great people throughout my life. (Well I guess Rachelle Hanshaw is a lot like those type of people (not all the way), and everyone knows how much I love her, but I defnitely thought she was the acception to the norm, even in her own category almost, cuz she is so crazy.. :P )
And near the end of the year, I finally met a girl, Jana Barker, in my ward. We found out that we're 4th cousins, hence the same last name. Anyway, she is 1000% my normal type and AMAZING! We had so much fun together and even though I have branched out, I still like my old friends. Life is great and Im grateful for all the experinces I had my sohpomore year. I find that when we are having the hardest times, we grow the most, and learn to depend on the lord. And heaven knows, I can always get better at both of those (along with everything else)...